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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055381">If It Doesn't Work Out...</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Time_and_Music/pseuds/Time_and_Music'>Time_and_Music</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Given (Anime), Given (Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canonical Character Death, Coming of Age, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Friendship, Jealousy, M/M, Missed Connections, Pining, Self-Reflection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:09:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,503</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055381</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Time_and_Music/pseuds/Time_and_Music</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hiiragi couldn’t put his finger on it, but, at some point, something had shifted.</p>
<p>When the hell did Shizu-chan become Shizusumi? </p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>Hiiragi reflects on his friendship with Shizu, Mafuyu, and Yuki. When did everything change between them?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kashima Hiiragi/Yagi Shizusumi, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki, Yagi Shizusumi/OCM, mentioned Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, one-sided Kashima Hiiragi/Satou Mafuyu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If It Doesn't Work Out...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was a fictober prompt that got out of hand and possessed my brain for 48 hours.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hiiragi couldn’t put his finger on it, but, at some point, something had shifted.</p>
<p>When the hell did Shizu-chan become Shizusumi? </p>
<p>Was it when Shizu stopped holding his hand near the end of elementary school? Followed him around without being led? </p>
<p>When they entered middle school and Shizu grew a foot taller than them within weeks?<br/>
Or when his voice cracked for the first time, way before all of theirs did?</p>
<p>When they started learning music?</p>
<p>Was it when the first in a long line of girls started confessing to Shizu? Watching him learn how to turn them down gently each time?</p>
<p>What about during Yuki’s first big depressive episode? All he and Shizu could do was look at each other, completely helpless, waiting until Mafuyu sent them an update.</p>
<p>Was it when Shizu helped him navigate his first disastrous crush on Kaya-chan? She ended up rejecting him, but Shizu played video games with him all weekend to keep his mind off of it. Was it then? </p>
<p>It couldn’t have been when they all took a trip to the beach that one weekend and he sensed something different between Mafuyu and Yuki. Or when they started seeing the two of them less and less outside of school. </p>
<p>Did it happen when it was just the two of them at their usual hangout spot, without Yuki and Mafuyu, talking or doing homework until curfew?</p>
<p>What about when Shizu learned that Yuki and Mafuyu were dating and all Shizu could do was smile and wish them well while he, himself, came to the horrible realization that he might have a crush on Mafuyu?</p>
<p>Was it when they started high school? That was when everything else changed, so, maybe it was then? </p>
<p>What about halfway through the year when Yuki joked about starting a band and then suddenly it wasn’t a joke anymore? That first jam session in the band room set so much in motion. </p>
<p>Was it during their first session in the studio? Shizu was always in his element there, linking them all together with a beat.</p>
<p>Maybe it was when group hangouts stopped altogether and it was just the three of them hanging out as a band? Every time he asked about Mafuyu, it felt like the temperature in the room dropped and he caught the strangest look on Shizu’s face… was that when? </p>
<p>What about when they had their first real gig? That was the first time he’d ever felt like a grown-up, so what about Shizu and Yuki? </p>
<p>Was it when they had to pick up part-time jobs to pay for studio time? Or when they started seriously talking about their band’s direction? Shizu was usually pretty quiet but he lit up when he talked about all the cool things he was doing to improve his skills. Unlike Yuki’s wild passion, Shizu’s was calm and more constant. Though it was Yuki’s band, it was always Shizu holding them together. </p>
<p>When they played their second gig and started a relationship with the live house in their area and Shizu took on the responsibility of being their primary contact for planning? A lot of responsibility for a high schooler with so many things on his plate already, did he change then?</p>
<p>Was it when the seasons started changing in their second year? Yuki’s depression came and went in waves and Shizu started to grow quiet again… </p>
<p>Was it when Yuki started leaning on Shizu more and more for help? </p>
<p>What about when Shizu laid a hand on Yuki’s shoulder and gave him some frank advice about Mafuyu that Hiiragi pretended he didn’t hear? It had been astonishingly good advice for someone who’d never been in a relationship. Had Shizu been in one and somehow he hadn’t realized it? Shrugging the notion off, seeing as Shizu was with him most of the time, he would’ve surely noticed. The thought was not as comforting as it should have been.</p>
<p>Was it when they were gearing up for their third gig and things were actually going well? When Yuki’s infectious and cool confidence started to bloom among them? The days to the concert flew by in a blur, but memories of those last few golden rehearsals are some that will stick with him forever. </p>
<p>Did it happen when everything went wrong?</p>
<p>That seemed most likely.  </p>
<p>Was it when they texted all night as Hiiragi’s parents fought bitterly downstairs? They’d been unhappy for years, it was only a matter of time, but… it still hurt to hear. Shizu sent all sorts of dumb things for him to look at after he’d run out of energy to talk about his parents, and some cool songs, too. He’d never been more thankful for Shizu than in that moment. Could it have been then? </p>
<p>Or did it happen when the studio had to increase their fees in order to cover an equipment upgrade? That had been rough on all of them. It had been a grueling eat, sleep, school, work, practice loop that certainly didn’t help the mounting tension they all felt in the weeks leading up to the show. Shizu listened patiently as both he and Yuki used their practice time to bitch thoroughly until he reminded them that they only had the room for twenty more minutes. Just like that, he got them back on track. Was he still Shizu-chan then?</p>
<p>Could it have been when they saw the fight go down between Mafuyu and Yuki? Helpless, sidelined, feeling like they were twelve years old all over again. </p>
<p>Was it hours later when Hiiragi texted him and they ended up talking until 4 a.m. about Mafuyu and Yuki? They loved each other so much, though. Surely it would blow over. Even though he’s still hung up on Mafuyu, he’d give anything to see them happy. Shizu said the same thing. </p>
<p>The look on Shizu’s face had been unreadable, but it definitely looked like he wanted to ask something back then. Was it while he figured out what to say? It couldn’t have been, they never finished that conversation because Yuki texted them asking if they were awake. In the two hours they had left before getting up for school, they talked with Yuki until he said he was going to sleep and he’d see them at school in the afternoon. </p>
<p>Was it when that creeping dread settled over them both while they waited at the gate for Yuki and he never showed? Did it happen while Shizu’s face was twisted with anxiety, picking at his nails with restless fingers? They hadn’t held hands in years, and he would’ve given anything to hold Shizu’s hand during the agonizing wait. It wasn’t until a teacher forced them inside that they gave up, agreeing to go check on Yuki on their way home from school. Was it the seriousness in his eyes then that caused the change?    </p>
<p>A chill settled in his stomach thinking about the days leading up to Yuki’s death. Did it happen during their darkest days?</p>
<p>He hadn’t been called Hii-chan in years, so when Yuki called him that over text, an odd knot curled up in his stomach, gnawing at him. He called Shizu immediately. </p>
<p>They showed up at Yuki’s door but no one answered. Was it when they were half-torn between calling Yuki’s mom or breaking down the door themselves? Or had it been when Shizu practically crumbled with relief when Yuki texted them later saying that he’d been asleep and that he’d see them on Monday at school?</p>
<p>He shuddered. If only they’d known… </p>
<p>Was it when they heard the news?</p>
<p>It couldn’t have been when he hit the ground. There was nothing in that moment except for the rush of sound filling his ears as a pillar of his world came crashing down. </p>
<p>What about when Shizu punched the wall so hard that his knuckles split? Was it when he made that horrid sound, a strangled scream that he refused to let out, as he punched the wall again and again until he took off and didn’t come back for hours? Or when Shizu turned up on his doorstep late that night and they sat outside in silence together, eyes red, and waited for the sun to come up.</p>
<p>Was it the following week when someone happened to look at him the wrong way and he, itching for a fight (something, anything that would feel real), decked a guy during lunch, or when Shizu grabbed him and held him back until a teacher came to settle everyone down?</p>
<p>Had it been when Shizu spoke up for him in the principal’s office when he couldn’t speak through clenched teeth and seething emotions, or when they got out of there? Shizu dragged him around a corner and lectured him. Was it when Shizu had gripped his shoulders tight? Or was it after that? </p>
<p>
  <em>“Yuki wouldn’t want that-!"<em></em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>The dam broke and he’d clung to Shizu like he was drowning, Shizu held him without question and let him get it all out. Was it when Shizu ruffled his hair before heading back to class? </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Could it have been during the funeral when Shizu put a hand on his shoulder while he tried not to cry, yet Shizu’s own eyes were surprisingly dry?</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Was it long after everyone else left and it was just the three of them at the gravesite?</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>What about when Mafuyu drifted away? He almost chased after him, but Shizu urged him to hold back. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>“You can’t help him right now.”<em></em></em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Shizu was right, of course, but at that moment, he disagreed. Was it when Shizu’s hand wrapped around his wrist to catch him before he followed Mafuyu?</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Perhaps it was before they left. He had been a few steps ahead when he heard Shizu murmur, <em>“I love you.”</em></em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>He froze on the spot and turned. He’d never heard Shizu say that before, and after, he’s never heard Shizu say it again. He watched Shizu’s fingers brush the stone before Shizu caught up to him. He had turned around so sharply that Shizu stared at him for a second before walking silently with him back to their houses. His head buzzed the whole way. Filled with guilt and a lot of other emotions that he couldn’t quite place, he fretted. He was absolutely positive that he hadn’t been meant to overhear that. It sounded private… confessional. How his gut had twisted at that… </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>If he’s honest, it still twisted.</em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>Shaking his head as if that would clear it, he wondered about the time that followed. </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>Was it during the first month when everything felt raw and unreal? He didn’t know what to say or do, even to Shizu. They mostly just sat there in silence, grieving. The music stopped the day Yuki died, neither of them had the heart to play without him. </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>The first few months? Was it when the rawness of it had faded a little and he started questioning the lingering ache he felt over the words Shizu said at the funeral?</em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>Was it when Shizu said he wanted to play again and took the initiative to meet up with a classmate during lunch? He’d seen Jiro at assemblies before, he seemed decent enough. Shizu didn’t mind that he wasn’t as good as Yuki, at least they’d be able to play again.   </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>Was it when they all jammed together for the first time? He didn’t know how he didn’t burst into tears during that session between the tension in the room and the palpable absence of Yuki’s presence. Jiro really is a decent guitarist, but… Yuki had been electric. Anything else paled in comparison. But Shizu kept them going and eventually his fingers felt less numb as he played, his voice more steady and sure. Was it then? </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>It took them ages to find a groove, but, when they do, something’s still missing. They took a break for a while, going their separate ways to sort things out. Was it late at night as he tossed and turned trying to figure it out? He almost reached out to Shizu, but the last time he had, he got the distinct impression that Shizu wanted to be left alone. What was running through Shizu’s mind that he couldn’t even talk to him about it?</em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>Maybe it was their first visit to Yuki’s grave soon after? He didn’t cry this time, but he swore he caught Shizu tearing up a little. When he asked, Shizu shook his head. He thought about the words Shizu had said last time. </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>“I love you.”<em></em></em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>What had they meant? Did he still mean them?</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Was it while they stood there in silence until Shizu mentioned wanting to write a song about Yuki? A tribute? He agreed immediately. He wasn’t sure what they were going to write, but it felt like the right thing to do. They agreed to start up band practice again the following week. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Maybe it had been when Shizu found him right after he ran into Mafuyu for the first time? He’d been walking around in a haze, half memory, half exhaustion, checking out a show to get some song inspiration when he stumbled across Mafuyu and a stranger behind the venue. When Mafuyu bolted, the other guy chased after him, but he just stood there, rooted to the spot, hurting so much that he went numb. He was barely present when Shizu found him inside. He vaguely remembers getting a little feeling back when Shizu claps a hand on his shoulder before calling it a night and saying they should go home.</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>It could’ve been when Shizu placed a hand on his head and told him not to worry about Mafuyu’s business. His flicker of childish rage and confusion was immediately snuffed out by quiet realization. They were growing up. Some things would have to change. Including his feelings for Mafuyu.</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Was it when he visited Mafuyu again? Mafuyu’s outburst opened up what felt like a chasm between them. He doesn’t know how they made it through that, but when Mafuyu confessed that he didn’t know how he felt anymore, he understood. He felt just as lost. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>He told Mafuyu to call him sometime, knowing that Mafuyu probably wouldn’t, but he offered anyway. If nothing else, feelings or not, he does know now that all he really wants is for Mafuyu to forgive him. He texted Shizu about it after, got a few cryptic messages before Shizu stopped responding. When he asked about it later, Shizu said something about practicing. It wasn’t a lie, he knew this, but there was something weird about that answer nonetheless. Was it when he began to think about Shizu’s responses more than he thought about Mafuyu’s? </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Was it during the following weeks? He talked about Mafuyu constantly. He didn’t mean to, but it was all he could think about. He had been so confused. Hurting… yearning? Eventually, Shizu’s shoulder turned a little cold and he realized he needed to take a step back. He couldn’t keep having the same circular conversation with Shizu. It wasn’t helping either of them. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>It had to have been at the show. They stood together in stunned silence as Mafuyu’s heart bled openly on that stage. He thought he had understood the depths of Mafuyu’s love, now he knew just how wrong he was. He’d barely even scratched the surface. His own love for Mafuyu paled in comparison. Would he ever love someone so deeply and so much? </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Was this what Shizu meant when he told Yuki he loved him? Why did the notion twist his heart so violently?</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Was it when he watched Shizu stand completely still, barely even breathing, watching Mafuyu shut down and stagger off the stage? The lights came up on a different person than they had gone down on. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Shizu disappeared when Mafuyu and the guitarist went AWOL, coming back midway through the set, eyes red, waving off his questions and focusing on the show. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Did it happen while he was watching Shizu breathe through everything he was feeling, even though every muscle in his body was taut like he was ready to flee at any second? He certainly looked like an adult then.</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>After the show, unable to stop himself, he bolted from Shizu to find Mafuyu. He had to say something, anything to him. He didn’t know what he was going to say, but it was time to defuse the bomb in his chest before it obliterated everything. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Was it after he had exploded and when they finally talked?  </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>When Mafuyu said he was in love with someone new? </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>White noise went off in his brain before sound rushed in to follow. It clicked immediately. The guitarist. The same guy who had chased after Mafuyu when he bolted, following like a man possessed. The way he’d carefully led Mafuyu off-stage… </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>It hurt. But it hurt way less than he expected.</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Somehow, the rest of the conversation flowed easily from there, freer than it had been in ages, even before Yuki’s passing. Almost like they were kids again.  </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Was it when they parted ways and he held it together for all of five seconds before breaking down and throwing himself into Shizu’s arms? Relief… grief… realization… acceptance. Shizu held him through all of it. It was in Shizu’s arms that he realized that it was time to let Mafuyu go. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>If it hadn’t been in Shizu’s arms, maybe it was when Shizu ruffled his hair when he finally got it out of his system, even managing a weak “shut up” in response. Shizu had laughed then. The tension broke a little. Was it then? </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>No, it must have been when they take the train home. Eyes still red, bodies sluggish in a way that only the truly exhausted are, they slump in their seats before long. He woke up with his head pillowed on Shizu’s shoulder, Shizu’s cheek resting on top of his head. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>All he wanted to do was stay there. He hated when the train pulled into their stop, shaking Shizu awake, only sharing one last glance before they went their separate ways for the night. It could have been when he lay alone in bed that night and fervently wished for the first time that he wasn’t. He understood now why Mafuyu and Yuki rarely slept apart. Shizu’s shoulder had been warm, the weight on top of his head comforting. He slept poorly for the rest of the night. Was it then? </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>The day to day was still the same. School, practice, hangouts, work, rinse, and repeat. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly where, but, somewhere along the way, everything changed and he began to see Shizu differently.  </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>He caught himself staring at practice, occasionally. It was embarrassing, but he was comforted by the knowledge that Shizu never caught him, he was always looking somewhere else. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Sometimes he felt nervous when they hung out. He became hyper-aware of how close they were sitting sometimes. Sometimes it was the way Shizu looked. Or smiled. Or how good he smelled. Or how much he liked his stupid jokes. He was thankful, however, that he could immediately forget about all of that when Shizu passed him the controller and he could go about beating Shizu soundly in Smash. At least he still has that. That one semblance of normalcy. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Until he doesn’t. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>During one of their weekend hangouts, Shizu muttered something about having to go work on an assignment with Jiro before heading out. Waving it off, he paid it no mind until it started happening more frequently and he began to see Shizu less and less.</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Shizu seemed almost normal when they met up at Mafuyu’s and talked about band stuff. Had it been when Shizu held him by the shoulders to keep him from tackling Mafuyu when he teased him? Maybe. Even though his focus is on Mafuyu, he noticed how warm Shizu’s hands were as they held him. It ended up being something he thought about more than he cared to admit. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>He also noticed how quickly Shizu bolted after they left.</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>They start hanging out together less as a band, too, after that. Meals together after practice become more and more infrequent, eventually stopping altogether. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>At least they can take the train home together, but even that became difficult. He kept his body so still, so rigid, tucked firmly in his own space, not daring to invade Shizu’s now that he craved contact. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>He even blushed once when Shizu reached across him to grab something out of his bag, arms brushing. It’s been so long since easy touches stopped that sudden contact is jarring. It’s exhilarating. Terrifying. Was it in that moment?</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>He thought about Shizu a lot that night. He almost texted Mafuyu but thought better of it. He wanted to talk to Shizu but, last he’d heard, Shizu had headed back out and was over at Jiro’s mixing one of their latest tracks. That had been hours ago, though. Guess sound editing was a lot more involved than he thought. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Shizu eventually texted back and, after a brief conversation, he signed off for the night. Something felt weird. Was it then?</em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>The only thing he knew for sure was that it couldn’t have been when he caught Shizu and Jiro kissing after practice. The only thing he’d felt then was rage. And… in retrospect… jealousy. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>Was it when he accidentally confronted Shizu about it? Shizu pulled him aside after practice a few days later and asked why he was being so weird. They collide over Mafuyu, Yuki, and Jiro.  It was the most bitter fight they ever had. Low blows, insults, accusations, and harsh words fly between them. It all came to a screeching halt when Shizu finally lost his temper. </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>“If Mafuyu and I can move on, why can’t you?”<em></em></em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>Shizu stood tall above him, eyes wide, breathing ragged, shocked at his own words. He bolted, leaving Shizu standing in the hallway. He doesn’t look back. </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>They don’t talk for a few weeks after that. They can’t. Was it during that unbearable stretch of silence? It may well have been. Shizu was all he could think about then. </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>When it became unavoidable, they really did have to practice, he shoved everything down and did his best to act normal. They got through rehearsal and each one gets a little easier after that. </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>When the dust eventually settles, they slowly start talking like they used to. It’s awkward, but he’s glad that they can still talk. The more they talk, even though they rarely see each other outside of rehearsal, it gets a little easier to be around him. </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>And then it doesn’t. </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>It must be here. Time apart opens his eyes to the changes in Shizu. He’s getting taller, broader… handsome. More mature. </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>It’s also becoming hard to miss the looks that pass between Shizu and Jiro at practice. It makes him want to leave the room. He does eventually, calling practice for the day when the hunger between them becomes palpable. He sits on the train, alone, brooding, typing and erasing the same message over and over again to Mafuyu and wishing, more than anything, that he could talk to Yuki. </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>It’s when, one night, he wakes up with a start, his heart pounding, panting and flushed. Groaning, he puts his head in his hands. He had been dreaming about Shizu. Well... more like, re-inventing a memory. Instead of catching Shizu and Jiro kissing after practice that day, he was in Jiro’s place. What it would be like to have Shizu kiss him, especially like that. Tender, but hungry. Constant. Hands warm on his face and neck. The thought sends his pulse racing harder, his breath catches in his chest. </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>No.</em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>It <em>can’t<em> be.</em></em></em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>Shizu is his best friend. He’s known Shizu since they were kids, why now?</em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>He spends the rest of the night tying himself up in knots thinking about it until it clicks and he cries while coming to terms with having feelings for Shizu. One of his oldest friends. One of the few people who really understood him. And he was in love with someone else.</em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>He finally understands what it’s like to want to drink pain away. He even ends up talking to Yuki about it even though he knows he isn’t really there to listen.</em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>Over the next few days, he finally faces up to the fact that this lingering ache is jealousy and it’s festering. He’s jealous of Mafuyu and his happiness. He’s jealous of Shizu for his ability to move on. Now he’s jealous of Jiro for being the one that Shizu moved on to. </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>He holds out until he can’t take it anymore, he meets up with Mafuyu and tells him everything. He’s the only one who might get what he’s going through. </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>Mafuyu understands. </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>
                              <em>“Do you think Shizu-chan knows?”<em></em></em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>
                              <em>
                                <em>He shook his head. Unless Shizu knew about his feelings before he did. A disconcerting thought, but an unlikely one. </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>
                              <em>
                                <em>He hopes that he didn’t. That would make this so much worse. Especially if… they could’ve had a chance to be together. </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>
                              <em>
                                <em>He’s so lost in thought that even Mafuyu, space cadet of the century, calls him out. </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>
                              <em>
                                <em>Mafuyu, even after all of his heartbreak, is still an optimist. Mafuyu thinks he should tell Shizu but he argues that there’s no point, Shizu’s with Jiro now. Mafuyu shrugs. </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>
                              <em>
                                <em>
                                  <em>“What if it doesn’t work out?”<em></em></em>
                                </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>
                              <em>
                                <em>
                                  <em>
                                    <em> That <em>is<em> the question, isn’t it? </em></em></em>
                                  </em>
                                </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>
                              <em>
                                <em>
                                  <em>
                                    <em>
                                      <em>
                                        <em>What if Shizu and Jiro’s relationship doesn’t work out? If they break up, there won’t be a band anymore, and somehow that thought is almost unbearable. If he doesn’t have any other part in Shizu’s life, at least he has that.  </em>
                                      </em>
                                    </em>
                                  </em>
                                </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
            </em>
          </em>
        </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>
          <em>
            <em>
              <em>
                <em>
                  <em>
                    <em>
                      <em>
                        <em>
                          <em>
                            <em>
                              <em>
                                <em>
                                  <em>
                                    <em>
                                      <em>
                                        <em>What would even happen if he tells Shizu how he feels? Would he accept? Reject him? Reciprocate? How would that pan out? Even the best-case scenario is riddled with doubts and issues that he doesn’t think he can handle. He doesn’t even try to imagine the worst-case. </em>
                                      </em>
                                    </em>
                                  </em>
                                </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
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          </em>
        </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
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                                      <em>
                                        <em>They talk for a while, he even manages to politely ask about the boyfriend and make it through that topic without dying, so at least there’s that. </em>
                                      </em>
                                    </em>
                                  </em>
                                </em>
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                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
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              </em>
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          </em>
        </em>
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</p>
<p>
  <em>
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                                      <em>
                                        <em>Mafuyu gives him an awkward hug before heading out. There’s a promise to talk later if he needs anything, but he knows he’s going to have to deal with this by himself now. </em>
                                      </em>
                                    </em>
                                  </em>
                                </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
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                  </em>
                </em>
              </em>
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          </em>
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</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
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                  <em>
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                                    <em>
                                      <em>
                                        <em>Heading home, he stops by Shizu’s house. He almost rings the bell, but when he looks up, he falters. He sees the lights are on in Shizu’s bedroom but the curtains are drawn. He knows what that means. </em>
                                      </em>
                                    </em>
                                  </em>
                                </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
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                        </em>
                      </em>
                    </em>
                  </em>
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              </em>
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  </em>
</p>
<p>
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                                      <em>
                                        <em>Sighing, he continues on home and makes a heavy-hearted resolution to hide these feelings and get rid of them even if it kills him. </em>
                                      </em>
                                    </em>
                                  </em>
                                </em>
                              </em>
                            </em>
                          </em>
                        </em>
                      </em>
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                </em>
              </em>
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          </em>
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    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
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                                      <em>
                                        <em>He’s not a patient person, but for Shizu, he’ll wait and hope that one day they can be close again. </em>
                                      </em>
                                    </em>
                                  </em>
                                </em>
                              </em>
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                                        <em>Shizusumi is all he has left. He can’t lose him, too.</em>
                                      </em>
                                    </em>
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